Of course he hadn’t been celibate all these years. He knew about sex, but this was different. None of his lovers had kept him awake at night. “Not thinking anyway,” he mused to himself. Most likely, he resolved, he felt interested in Kamui because of their new closeness. Because of the tragedies in Kamui’s life so similar to those of his own past. Both had witnessed someone they loved die by the hand of another loved one. Both had experienced the betrayal and confusion inherent in learning that someone close to them was not as they appeared. Subaru hadn’t expressed the pain of Hokuto’s death and Seishirou’s betrayal to anyone. His sudden care for Kamui must simply be an after effect from the dive he took into Kamui’s subconscious. In opening his own memory to Kamui he had saved the boy’s life. He also opened a door within himself he had intended to leave locked. It startled him to find that, underneath his calm exterior, beneath his wish, beyond all the hate and love that he felt for Seishirou, there was still a living part of him. He found that he was lonely. He had been lonely since … since his twin’s death. And in thinking of this he realized how he had tried to fill that empty place. He had thought that he didn’t care. Had fucked around with countless men, let them use him. Thought that he was using them as well, for sex, to erase his memory. But it had never worked. A few moments of pleasure, sometimes a twinge of guilt, often anger. And he was always left more crushed than before, bruised, sore, and miserable. All sex had ever done for him was to increase his self loathing. It made some part of him cringe in shame, though he’d enjoyed it all the same. Enjoyed it enough to seek out men looking for a night of pleasure with a beautiful young man. Enough to delude himself into thinking he used them as much as they used him.

In Subaru’s introspection, a part of him that had become bitter throughout the years softened. At least he understood why he had done it. He knew why he had locked his heart away and sought solace in the arms of strangers. He knew why he had focused all of his being on his wish. Why he wanted so badly to die, and by the hand of Seishirou. It wasn’t because Hokuto was dead. And it wasn’t because Seishirou was lost to him. It wasn’t anger or hate or even love as he had believed. It was all because he was alone. Completely and utterly alone. Isolated from all people, closed off, cold, alone, dead.

Subaru didn’t even feel angry. He was long past that. He had cycled through all possible emotions surrounding Seishirou and Hokuto. He felt more relieved than anything else. After all, it had taken him how many years just to realize that he was lonely? “Well,” he thought, “I did know that I was lonely, but I hadn’t understood how deep it went”. There was a part of himself deep inside that was always pulling at his consciousness, a voice inside, denying him peace. Always saying … “Not until you understand …”. And in frustration he would question himself, “Until I understand WHAT?” but there was never any answer beyond the repetition of the question. Now he understood. A person can’t live completely cut off from other people, only waiting for his death. No one can live infinitely in the past. He understood. He needed life. He was done with death.

Subaru was almost afraid to think about it. It was so fragile and new, this understanding. He was nervous that if he looked at it straight on it would shatter into a million pieces, so he kept it in the corners of his mind as he drifted off to sleep. Only daring to see it out of the edges of his eyes, his last thoughts were again of Kamui. Of how he could build a friendship, and return to Kamui the feelings the boy had evoked inside him. And fear. Fear of being hurt, and fear of what he could do to Kamui. But he drifted off to sleep with a greater comfort in his heart than had resided there for a long time.

Part 4

pitas